watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
