My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear