good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.