Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
