I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize