Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
