The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
