she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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