my room smells like sperm. sweet.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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