Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
