I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
