so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
