Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
