So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
