mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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