I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
