This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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