Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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