my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
