Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
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Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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