I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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