I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
