Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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