i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
