i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
