I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
