The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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