Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
