There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
