Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
