Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
