listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
