Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
