im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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