so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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