gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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