We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
