chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
