I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Randomize
