I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
