Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
