so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
