Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
