Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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