Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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