YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
