i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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