dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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