i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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