I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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