Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
