the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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