I think I died a long time ago.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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