How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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