There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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