I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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