take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
